i feel damn lost.....o.o...
i wonder what i should do now.
im sitting in my chair in front of the comp.
thinking about my life.
and of course,how screwed up it is.
and how much more shit i can add inside.
why is there so much screwed up shit in my life?
i dont understand how i can screw up my life so badly.
i screwed my studies.
i screwed my social life.
and most of all.
i screwed up my relationship.
i dont know what the hell i am to do now.
argh.this sux.
how i wish i could stay in that month of dec 2008.
that was like the best time of my life so far.
i know last time,i would say meeting my ex was the best time i had.
but i know it wasnt.
because of alot of things that goes on.
and now,of course,i would say meeting you now would be the best time of my life yet again.
you may not belive me,but i think up till now,it is.
at least,up till dec 2008.
that was like the sweetest moments of life for me so far.
you cared about me,we talked alot,and i do meant alot.
so much that i use up 500 over messages in 3 days..
we chat on the phone every night as well.
you would come all the way to meet me.
i know it was a very long trip over to my place.
and i know my parents did give you some trouble.
but that month was one of the nicest time i had.
if i could say this,its was like living in a fantasy land...with a small evil witch and wizard there.
i think,i use to be really really bad.
before i met you,i think,i was really really bad.
i would think of things my ex would have done.
like flirt around.
i thought it was normal thing to do.
that was of course before my friends told me it wasnt.
i do feel guilty when i think about it.
its like,no,i should just say im sorry to you.
i dont have words to describe what i feel when i think about this.
guilt? of course but there is something else.i dont know what.
after that one month,maybe you were sick and tired of me.
but i was still stuck in that world of mine,
so i didnt think much and just continued to talk to you as if we were still in that one month of fantasy.
im sorry i didnt realise that you didnt want me around anymore.
then,i met someone else.
you should know who.
who was alot like you.
but after a while,i realise he isnt.
im sorry for making the mistake of thinking that you two are the same.
because you are you.
and he is he.
i thought i would fall for him because i had missed you so much.
its like,i looked at him like a replacement because you werent there.
but after time spent,i realise that it isnt the case.
i still like you more then ever.
you are you.
you have no substitutes.
and i know you read my blog.
and because of that few times,i actually hurt you.
i guess.
i got pissed off,because i really really missed you.
but i didnt get to see you.
so i thought you didnt want me anymore.which may be the case.
and i didnt have the courage to talk to you anymore.
and i think,when you found out by yourself.
it must have somehow been bad.
so i really really have to tell you another big sorry.
sorry for not having the courage to talk to you.
sorry for hurting you.
im not sure if you still want me now,
but since you allowed me to,
ill do my best.
although the way you told me was a little painful to hear,
it had sounded like you didnt care.
but i will still do my best.
because i still think you are the sweetest,mature,cool and not to mention alot more,guy i have ever had the good fortune to know.
i dont regret knowing you at all.
i will do my best.
i hope you would be happy.
