im emo. i feel pain again.i used to keep it in a box..sealed up tight.able to laugh n joke..wit evrybody else..all my fears left bhind.gone.no longer afraid of being left out,afraid of being left behind.afraid of being forgotten.i used to think that it will not happen again.i thought i had shut it up tight.but jus that few sentence.jus that few..brought back all the memories and pain.im back to the old me. fearing for others.afraid that im just not good enought to be with them.i feel that i m again no longer worthy to be in my friends presence.im trying to shut that box again.im afraid of my frens leaving me.but i cant help wanting them too.im no longer good enough for them anymore.
dun u gt it?my problem wit evrybody is.i dun tink im gd enuf.i tink i sux.low confidence.i stick out.i dun noe how to tok well.nver had.oni now did i srt to b albe to.im afraid evrybody wil hate me.im afraid all wil leave me.i dunwan to b alone.but neither do i wan anyone.i dun gt the rational behind my own tinking.but i do feel tis way..i feel tt ppl dun lyk me.they tok to me jus so tt they can find a weakness in me n use it againt me.or use me for their own gain.ther was a time i was contented.was happy even.to jus hav tis one person in my life.then the lies strted.n i doubted.i acted..i didnt want to lose him.acted as though it was ok .his lies were fine.but i couldnt b rite inside.i feared he wil leave.i feared tt evrything i do wil make him lyk me less.til oneday all the acting fell away.revealing the me.bleeding n hurting.i had lost myself then.didnt wanted to live.a long time ltr.i healed.but the hole was still ther.i tried to patch it up in mani way.some which hurt alot of ppl.im sry for tt..i reali m.now tt i saw wat i did..i reali reali m sry.i noe ive hurt u.i feel guilty.im sry.i hope u understand.now i found some1,i tink i reali love.i wan to love wit all ym heart again.lyk how i used to.but i dun dare to.im afraid..afraid tt history is gona repeat itself.i dunwan to feel tt level of hurt anymore.tt hurt was near death.now i found him.i wan to love him.but my own emotional barrier is preventing me frm doin it.im frustrated.i love it wen he gts jealous over me,it shows tt he stil cares for me.i noe tis is sick.im sick in the head.but at least i noe.i wan to show him tt i love him alot.love him enuf to sacrifice all my time for him.i wan to show him tt i truly wan him wit me.being unable to c him or hear him hurts me alot.i nd to physically c him.i missed him tt much.toking to him relaxes me.being wit him bring joy beyond words.wen he leaves.i always hav the urge to run aft him.hug him then n ther.n nver let go.evry second of my life[xclude the time im having nightmares n listening in sch]i hav to tink of him.nt being able to c him makes me hurt of cos.but i miss him too much to feel pain.instead i feel the urge to look for him.and shout the 3 best words to him.i wan to show how much i miss ihm n love him.but i can nver pluck up the courage to.guess im nt tt daring yet.i hav alot to tok to him about.my day.how it wen.how much i missed him.then fun i had.n i aso hav lots of question for him.how was his day.how was his frens.was he alright.but i dun dare to.im afraid ill make him pissed off at me.i nver wuld wan tt.wen my frens tell me to tell him the truth.i reali wan to.truly.but i dun dare to.incase it hurts him.in case he doesnt wan me anymore cos of tt.i hav no idea wat to do.how to b the rite one for him.ive had but jus tt one guy.hu lies cheats n teaches me how to flirt.by flirting himself.ive been tinted by him too much.i hate myself.but i hate him more.i wish he could hav a little guilt.but nvmx.he is him.im me.but i reali hav no idea how to b a gd fren.or gf for tt matter.im afraid tt evrything i do is gona spoil the relationship.i nd to b sure tt i can love him.it reali sux to b me.it sux to b my frens too.havin me around.
